


gay for you

by zombieinyourhead (vinndetta)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming Out, FTM Reader, Gay John Laurens, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, trans reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 21:09:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16668337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/zombieinyourhead
Summary: You shook your head. You had to do it tonight. You had put it off for years, and you had to do it. You needed to say it before the pain of hiding this secret enveloped you.





	gay for you

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted on tumblr
> 
> people really liked it so im putting it here
> 
> me: *leaves hamilton fandom*  
> also me: *still posts hamilton fics on ao3*  
> me: oops?
> 
> [F/N] is your first name, [L/N] is your last name, and [B/N] is your birth name.

6:24.

Six minutes until John would come home.

You were absolutely terrified. You were going to tell him. You weren't sure how you were really gonna do it. Were you just going to break it to him over dinner? Just go up to him and say, "Heyyy... welcome home! Also, I'm transgender. Would you like to sit down and eat?"

No, that's ridiculous.

6:25.

Another minute passed, and you still weren't sure what to do. You were freaking out. What if he kicked you out for being such a freak? It also didn't help that you still hadn't even confessed your feelings for him at all. What if you found out and then realized that you, a boy, had feelings for him? He would be so upset with you.

You didn't even know if he liked you back. If he didn't, he would be disgusted by you. And even if he did like you back, maybe he wouldn't seeing that you were a freak.

6:26.

You bit your lip, taking in your surroundings again. You were on the couch, the television on. You weren't even looking at what was on; you were still panicking about your coming out to John.

John... John was your best friend. John had been with you since freshman year of college, yet now, senior year... You had a realization midway of sophomore year and you realized that your gender wasn't what it was on your birth certificate. You still hadn't even told anyone, but you knew you had to tell eventually.

Maybe you should just put it off. Until tomorrow. It wouldn't matter anyway. You needed to get yourself together before you could even try to tell him anything.

It was just so hard trying to see what was the point. You didn't want to do this at all. Maybe you could just keep this a secret for the rest of your life.

6:28.

You cursed. You didn't think time would pass by so quickly. It was two minutes until John would come home, and you still weren't sure. Maybe you could just put it off.

You were just terrified of his reaction. He was one of your best friends, along with the rest of the Hamilsquad. 

The Hamilsquad... you hadn't told any of them. Alex might be supportive, but you still weren't sure. You thought once that you saw an LGBT+ pin on his backpack, but you weren't sure how'd he react to you being transgender. Hercules and Lafayette might not understand at all.

You couldn't lose John. That's all you knew.

6:29.

You shook your head. You had to do it tonight. You had put it off for years, and you had to do it. You needed to say it before the pain of hiding this secret enveloped you.

The door opened.

John...

"Hey, [B/N]!" John called out. "I'm back!"

"Yeah, I noticed!" You yelled back sarcastically, and reached for the remote control to turn off the television. Your chest tightened and you coughed to hide it.

Before you knew it, John had plopped down onto the couch, and put his arm around you.

"How's my best friend doing?"

"I don't know, ask Alex if you want to know." You said before you could censor the words coming out of your mouth. You were always like that, teasing John about how he was just living with you. The entire Hamilsquad were best friends, but you like to joke that John liked them better than he liked you.

"I see how it is." John scoffed, getting up. "Call me when you're feeling less salty, okay?"

"Hey, shush!" You pulled him down by the shirt sleeve, and he let you do so, falling onto you like a sack of potatoes. His back was on you and you felt the breath getting knocked out of you. "Hey! John, you bastard! Get off me!"

"Uh... no." 

"If you don't get off right now, John Laurens, I will not make you dinner."

The minute those words came out of your mouth, John immediately got off. His face was red, although you weren't sure if it was because of what happened right now, or something else.

"Rude." John said simply as he walked into the kitchen.

You sighed. How were you going to tell him? You didn't want to ruin your dynamic. Even if he was okay with you, he might be a little awkward around you, and you didn't want to ruin your best friend dynamic.

You decided to go into the kitchen, and he had his back to you, facing the counter. He was messing around with the things that you had prepared for dinner. You sat down at one of the high chairs at the table, and watched John fumble around.

"Hey, this looks like a pretty good pie. What is it?" He laughed, bringing the plate to your face. You looked up, and he was right in your face. He was standing on the other side of the table. He looked into your eyes as well, and you felt your heart jump into your throat. His eyes were almost sparkling like stars, and his freckles flowed under the kitchen light that was right above him. His curly hair looked like a mess, but no one could say that it wasn't adorable.

Right at that moment, you knew that you couldn't hide any longer. He was your best friend. You loved him. You loved him so much; you couldn't stand it any longer. You had to tell him.

"John."

He nodded.

"I'm transgender."

John blinked several times at what you said. Your eyes drifted down. You didn't want to look at John now, especially if there happened to be a heartbroken look on his face.

The plate of pie was dropped onto the kitchen table and you heard him step back. He hated you now, didn't he? You should have waited for it, you should have waited for a better time, and you shouldn't have told him at all.

"How long have you known?"

You looked up at John, who said those words. He was facing the counter again, his back towards you. His head was down, almost as if he didn't have the energy to raise his head.

"Sophomore year." You whispered, but you knew that he had heard you.

The room became totally silent. You felt the tears well up in your eyes. You knew that if John kicked you out, you'd have to find someone to take you in.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

A tear dropped down your face.

"I... I'm sorry. I just... I didn't want you to freak out."

You collapsed down onto the floor. You should have waited. You needed to leave; you couldn't handle this. It was okay. You could just leave, and you didn't have to bother John anymore. You didn't need to talk to the Hamilsquad anymore. You could live without them. You didn't need friends anyway.

A pair of arms wrapped themselves around you. You struggled, and tried to get out of that tight grasp. The arms squeezed tighter around you and you gave up. You were grossly sobbing at this point.

"I'm sorry that you thought I'd react negatively," he sighed. "I didn't think you'd be afraid of me. [B/N]- well... what's your name?"

"... I was thinking something like... [F/N]..."

"Okay." He got up, and pulled you up with him. You were hugging John in the kitchen now, the food left forgotten. John nuzzled his nose onto your hair, and you sniffed.

"John... I..."

"Shh... [F/N]..."

John led you slowly to the couch, and you both sat down there. You leaned your head on his shoulder, and he pat your head.

"It's time for re-introductions, isn't it?"

"What?"

"My name is John Laurens in the place to be!"

He placed his hand on your shoulder, and you raised your head. John's eyes were wet, too, and you suddenly felt bad.

"Look, [F/N], I..." He stopped suddenly, and you stared at him. You let out a breath you weren't even aware you were holding.

"I... I've been hiding this for a while... but I love you." He averted his eyes. "I thought I was crazy for liking a girl... but... now I know..."

"What?"

"[F/N]... I'm gay."

"Oh..." Your heart did a flip. Would he like you then? Or maybe he wouldn't, seeing that you're trans.

"I'm gay for you."

His lips were on yours suddenly, and the world around you seemed to disappear. It was cliche, but you think you could feel it in your heart that you two were meant to be. It was perfect, just the way it should be. You wouldn't have it any other way. You kissed him back fervently and everything was right.

"John, I'm gay for you, too."

**Author's Note:**

> please kudos/comment if you liked it! :)
> 
> i'm @vinndetta on tumblr, @ me if you wanna talk or something lmao


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